How To Get a Haircut
Your problem is that you don’t really care what your hair looks like. All you want to do is not look like an idiot. This is not actually a problem. You are a guy. As long as you don’t look like an idiot, you shouldn’t care what your hair looks like.
This mentality, however right, does present a bit of a dilemma, though, when you try to get your hair cut.
“What are we doing to your hair today,” asks the barber stylist.
“I don’t know,” you say, because you don’t know. You don’t speak Haircut.
Solutions to this predicament have been offered in the past, but they weren’t of much use to anyone. You don’t want to be, for example, the guy at the barbershop holding a picture of a dude that you clipped out of a magazine. Because then everybody knows that you’re the sort of guy who clips pictures of dudes out of magazines when you think they have cool hair.
Here’s what you do:
Sit down in the barber’s chair. Accept that it’s not as awesome as the one pictured above. That one’s at Freeman’s Sporting Club in New York. Before they snap that horrible smock around your neck, put whoever’s cutting your hair on the phone with your girlfriend. Have your girlfriend tell that person how she wants your hair to look.
That’s it. Tell your girlfriend you love her and hang up the phone. You don’t care what she told the stylist. For one, your girlfriend does speak Haircut. Moreover, you can trust that she won’t tolerate being seen with someone who looks likes an idiot.
The key is that she’s on the phone, and not with you in person. This keeps you completely out of the discussion. If you participate at all, you will have defeated the purpose of the exercise entirely by looking like an idiot before you even got your hair cut.
Jean-Baptiste Noir is TUMULT’s fashion correspondent.
